This will be different. Today I find it hard to write. I want to affirm my faith in God the Father, my appreciation for the love of the Son, and my gratitude for the power of the Spirit, and yet, I am nearly paralyzed by sadness. I want to say something meaningful. But I feel empty and numb. Perhaps you can allow me to try to figure some things out.
Someone special to me died on Friday, but we did not see each other often. We have only been together once in the last ten years and had no plans to see each other anytime soon. I think my feelings come from many good times we spent in years past and the bonding of hearts that occurred then. Perhaps, they come from knowing we will not, in this world, be able to have dinner, or even coffee, again and relive those days. And now there is no chance we will be able to build on those times.
I think my feelings come even more so from the empathy I feel for his family as they are dealing with the shocking, random death of a healthy, vigorous man immersed in a faith project he dearly loved. While he and I had no plans to get together, they surely had many plans. Every day they will feel that hole in their lives. And I suspect they will have days when they ask, “Why?” But no answer will come.
There is much more to think about, say and write, but this much is getting me more in touch.
Epicurus famously wrote, “Why should I fear Death? If I am, then death is not. If Death is, then I am not. Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?” I do not fear death either, but not for the reason the philosopher gives. However, not fearing death is one thing, but not being affected by death is quite another. I am affected by death that intrudes into our world, particularly when it comes to those I knew and loved. Jesus was (remember Lazarus and his sisters).
With the help of God and being strengthened by his grace, I can,and I must, overcome the paralyzing effect of my friend’s death. I must come out of my numbness, not so I will feel better, and not even so I can want to write, but so I can give to those, who much more than I, need a comforting, loving word or just a hug at a difficult time. Like others who appreciated my friend, I have to process my sense of loss, but ever keeping in mind "it is not about me."